Some personal crap further proving I am a giant asshole.
Deaths always come in pairs. I know there’s that whole trope of bad things happening in threes, but for me, it’s always two. Like one shitty event can’t exist without a friend to help pile on.
Two people close to me died within weeks of each other. They weren’t necessarily unexpected but there’s always that moment where your breath catches in your throat when you get the news.
But here’s the rub: the people that died weren’t the best people. I’m not saying they deserved to suffer and die (because — and this is the heartbreaking part — there was a lot of suffering, for them and their families) but it’s so much easier to mourn when you truly loved someone. When they made a positive impact on the lives of others. And that’s what keeps catching me off guard — I don’t know how to react properly because, for the most part, my interactions with the recently deceased were negative. Really, really negative.
One was a (former? I don’t know how much effort he really put into getting clean. Probably less than he tried to hide the fact that he was using again) meth addict. I never knew him as anything other than that. He almost killed his daughter in a car accident because he was high as fuck behind the wheel. His kids emancipated themselves ASAP because they were sick of tweakers crawling in and out of their home. They were barely speaking to him when they got the news he was in the hospital and he wouldn’t make it out.
The other man who recently died was the father of one of the Mister’s best bros. I should be there for him, and for the Mister, who has known this man since he was 7. But I don’t know how to tell them that I kind of hated him. He came on to me, drunk and weaving, at a party years ago — I was 19, younger than his kids. I was able to wiggle out of his grasp, before anything really happened, but I never, ever, allowed myself to be alone in a room with him again.
I just don’t know how to react. I’m not sad, I’m not glad, I’m just …. apathetic. But then again, I am cold and dead inside, so maybe this is just par for the course.